by Rebekka | Sep 6, 2013 | Uncategorized
As a therapist who practices SFBT & specializes in work with the LGBT community, I’d say that about 20-25% of the clients that I see every week, identify as Transgender.
I have come to discover that working in a solution-focused way with these individuals, is quite different than what they have historically experienced with therapy, and what they typically expect. As a result of this belief, I wanted to write a little bit about this intersection of SFBT and the Transgender community.
Here are some beliefs (and non-beliefs) that I have as a clinician, and how those beliefs apply to my Trans clients.
- I don’t believe that asking about your current or childhood problems or issues is necessary to help you move towards the future that you want.
- I don’t think obtaining a sexual history is necessary in order for me to be helpful to you, either.
- The important pieces for me to know about your past, have ONLY to do with your strengths, resources and abilities, and the evidence that those things exist by asking you about times you noticed them working for you before.
- I can write a letter for you (for HRT or SRS), as soon as I believe that what I’m writing is true. I don’t believe it is necessary for you to pass any test other than the test of honestly answering my questions. It is my job to ask the right questions to help you move toward your preferred future, and it is your job to answer them honestly, I won’t ask you to do anything else.
- YOU are the expert in your life, not me, not ever me. You are the one who knows what you want and how you’ll know you’re getting it, and I respect that completely.
- Therefore, whenever you decide that my services are no longer needed, we will end therapy. Period.
- Also, however often you decide you want to come talk, will be as often as we see each other. Those choices are always yours, and never mine to make. (Of course we can collaborate about them, if you feel as though it would be helpful to do so)
That’s the list for now, though I may add more as it occurs to me. Leave your thoughts below, or email me questions you might have.
Respectfully,
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Jul 6, 2013 | Uncategorized
I often use scales in my sessions with clients. Both as a way to identify current placement compared to one’s ‘preferred future’ and as a measure of progress. With the scales that I use, 10 is always the ‘destination’ as laid out by my client, it’s the place that we have usually just spent most of our session detailing, so that we are clear about where they are going and how they might know they are getting closer. The scale might represent the overall big picture, or it might be something smaller, like self-confidence, or school performance, or intimacy within a relationship. But whatever the scale represents, I always ask my clients to notice when things are better, even just for a little bit, or to notice what is keeping things from getting worse, how they are maintaining and coping and staying afloat when things still feel pretty low.
This last week I was working with a gay couple and after they each scaled where things were as compared to where they want them to be, I asked them to notice in the coming days, when things were a bit higher on that scale, even just a tiny bit. I told them that the first question I’m going to ask them when I saw them next would be “what’s been better?” and so it was very important that they begin noticing immediately when things were better for them. One of them then looked at me a little bit confused and asked me, “do you also want to know about when things are worse in the coming days, so we can talk about that?” I told him no, not at all, however, I said, “if things do dip down for a little while, DO notice the point in which they begin to go upwards again, notice what you do that contributes to that upswing, and what your partner does as well, and then notice how high that upswing goes and how long you’re able to keep it there and what you do that keeps it there for so long.” He excitedly agreed, and off they went to notice.
Life can sometimes be very much like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between as good as it gets and the opposite. If you have the ability to take control of those swings, even just a little bit, why not choose to focus on how you contribute to the upswings and the high points? Learn from yourself and your loved ones what it is that contributes to that upswing, so that you can do those things more often.
swinging up, noticing, staying up, noticing, and so on…
This is kinda fun, huh?
Rebekka
Questions? Call me, email me, or set up an appointment by going to
DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Feb 27, 2013 | Uncategorized
Sometimes with my gay and lesbian clients who come in as individuals, there is some relationship in their life that is a struggle for them, and they’re hoping to be able to do something different to help that relationship get better, and in-turn they are hoping to feel better. So, the questions is, just what can they do when a relationship with someone they care for is struggling, and the other person just won’t do anything differently to help?
They can take the wheel.
How, you ask?
Well, one way might be to answer a question…and by now, you know me and lists, so they answer it with a list, maybe 15, 25, 50 whatever we have time for.
The question they answer is this:
If tomorrow, you were at your ABSOLUTE best, all day long, and you spent some time talking with this person, remaining at your best throughout the conversation or interaction, what would they notice about you, that might give them the idea that you were at your best? What else? What else? Get the idea??
So, what they do with that list is up to them, but just making it might make it more likely that they are closer to their best the next time they talk to that person they’re struggling with…and then, I always wonder, how might that other person respond differently to them, at this best of theirs? Guess they’d just have to notice…
Drive safe,
Rebekka
by Rebekka | Feb 22, 2013 | Uncategorized
Sometimes I have a client in front of me who has a preferred future that is literally, necessarily, years away from becoming a full reality. For example, this is especially true with individuals who newly identify as transgender. When they think about their preferred future in great detail, and they describe it out loud, they might begin to feel more energized by that picture. But sometimes, the description begins to feel incredibly far away, and they realize that this is a very long road they’re on. which can create a feeling of frustration, and even hopelessness. But, when we continue with the description, and get dozens and dozens of tiny details, it becomes clearer that there are things in their immediate future that they can begin to do today to move closer to that bigger picture.
Breaking the big picture down in such a deliberate way, and subsequently focusing on those tiniest of details, creates a road with steps leading directly to where you are standing right now. Then…there is almost no choice but to take those steps.
Happy trails,
Rebekka
by Rebekka | Feb 14, 2013 | Uncategorized
Coming out as gay or lesbian is a process, and it means different things to each individual who goes through it. When a client comes into my office struggling with the coming out process, I typically take them through an exercise that creates a clear understanding of what they REALLY want, which is typically not to ‘come out’ per say, but to experience the positive IMPACTS of coming out.
So, if you are struggling with coming out, think about what positive impact coming out might have on your life, and make a list of ways you would notice those impacts. Maybe you’ll find that you can do some of those things on your list without taking a leap you’re not ready for yet, and those things may in-turn, help you gain the strength you need to take that leap.
Want an example to start with? Here is an example of a small list of typical ‘impacts’ clients say they think will occur as a result of coming out to themselves, and others. (keep in mind, my clients and I make lists of at least 25, and usually more…the more details you give, the more likely you are to notice the progress you eventually make.)
Signs of the positive impacts coming out might have:
1. Feeling more confidant
2. being more social with coworkers and friends
3. eating healthier
4. being honest about my weekend plans to folks who ask
5. looking people in the eye more
6. laughing more with acquaintances
7. walking taller at work or around town
8. smiling more
9. being more focused at work, getting more done
10. feeling calmer throughout the day
11. holding hands with my spouse in public more often
12. working out regularly
13…
14…
15…
Still feeling a bit stuck?
Call me, I’m happy to help you find your unique solutions.
Rebekka Ouer, LMSW
Dallas Rainbow Counseling
214-616-5082
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
