by Rebekka | Nov 5, 2013 | Uncategorized
Sometimes clients come in expecting me, as the “expert”, to give them some specific advice about their particular conundrums.
However, one thing that makes me quite different than some other therapists, is that I do NOT see myself as the expert in the room. I think that you, my client, are the expert here. You are the one in the room that knows you best, and no amount of training on my part, or getting to know you, will ever change that fact. Therefore, my expertise is in finding the right questions to ask, such that you don’t really need my advice, because the answers you give, provide you with the direction you seek.
It’s probably the toughest task that a therapist can be charged with, refraining from offering their opinions or ‘expertise’ to a client that’s having a hard time. But with the right questions, the client gets to figure things out on their own, and then they get to have ownership of the next right steps they will take.
I sometimes tell my clients that I have the dumbest business plan ever. My job, if done well enough, is to weed myself out of your life so that you can get back to the business of living it successfully.
‘Help’, evolved….
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
@LGBT_Counselor
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Oct 18, 2013 | Uncategorized
I am naturally a very passionate and excitable person. As a result of this, I use superlatives on a regular basis, to the point where my closest friends can predict what I’m about to say when I try something new (like food) that I really enjoy. Whenever I’m eating at a new place, and my food is incredibly good, what typically comes out of my mouth is some form of…”Wow…that’s the best __________ I’ve EVER had!”.
Now, in my defense, whenever I say something like that, I TOTALLY believe it at the time…I’m being as genuine and in-the-moment as possible. Another example of this personality trait that I have, is that if I am feeling some extreme way, like really really cold, to the point of not being able to get warm, I literally, in that moment, CANNOT remember ever feeling hot. Even though I live in Dallas, where the average temp in the summer is 100+ degrees.
The funny thing about the information you’ve just learned about me is this….as a therapist, whenever my clients use superlatives, such as “I NEVER feel happy”, or “He NEVER says nice things to me”, I make it a point to not believe them, and typically, after a superlative like that, my very next question makes my disbelief respectfully clear.
For example, just this week, I had a therapy session with a couple who wanted to find a way to communicate more effectively without blowing up and arguing for hours whenever they had a disagreement. One of the partners said that they ALWAYS argue in that way whenever they disagree. So what was my VERY next question?
“When was the last time you had an opportunity for a huge blowout, but instead, argued in a more productive, calm, and respectful way?”
In that example…I just purposefully, but respectfully, took that superlative statement, and challenged it with a question making a HUGE assumption, that my client didn’t really mean what she just said.
The reason that I did that, is because I believe the next sentence in this blog is ALWAYS true:
No problem happens all of the time.
And in the case of that couple, even though I could tell that client felt like her statement was true when she said it, after I asked them that question…they were IMMEDIATELY able to remember a time in the very recent past, when they had an opportunity for a blowout argument, but instead had a very productive and respectful conversation. And the example that they gave me, offered us all some extremely useful information for what they can look out for as they continue to evolve their conversations around disagreements.
So, my challenge for you today is this:
The next time your feeling upset or frustrated with something that needs to get better fast, challenge yourself to remember the last time it was even just a LITTLE bit better…and refuse to believe that it has always been that bad, because there is TONS of useful & impactful information in your recent successes, (and you HAVE had recent successes!).
This blog was the MOST fun yet….
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
@LGBT_Counselor
https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling
by Rebekka | Oct 16, 2013 | Uncategorized
So, here is the last tip for the LGBT community, regarding the upcoming holidays. If you’ve followed the previous 3 tips, then you’ve now got an idea of how you would like things to be, you’ve recognized what’s going well and how you will notice things getting better, and you’ve communicated your hopes to family members whom you trust.
Now, if you’re still finding some difficulty my last piece of advice around the holidays is this:
4. If you are forced into a tough decision, make it consciously and openly:
Sometimes for very valid reasons, you are just going to have to make a tough choice. The choice might be whether to spend the holidays with your family of origin or your spouse/chosen family. It might be whether to bring your spouse to the holidays as your ‘roommate’ or as your significant other. Or maybe whether to play it straight, or finally come out.
So, my advice here is simple: If you do end up in a situation where you are forced to make a tough choice, make it consciously, and then be honest with yourself about it.
Take the pressure off of yourself by recognizing that it doesn’t always have to be the same every year, and remember to talk with your spouse about it, and if possible, also talk with your family.
As always, feel free to comment here or email me at the address below.
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@dallasrainbowcounseling.com
@LGBT_Counselor
https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling
by Rebekka | Sep 27, 2013 | Uncategorized
When I was in high school, I learned from my eye doctor that some people who have bad eye sight, eventually end up blind in old-age. Being a kid who wore glasses since kindergarden, this worried me a lot, and I shared my concern with one of my favorite teachers at the time. She looked at me thoughtfully and said the simplest most logical thing I’d ever heard. She said, “There’s absolutely nothing you can do to change this, Bekka, so why waste energy worrying about it?”.
Oh…well ok, that made so much sense to me that I was immediately done being concerned about that future possibility.
So much of the time, as I ask my clients how they’d like their lives to be different, they say something along the lines of desiring a future where they let worries go that they can’t control, and focusing instead on the things that they can. And when I see those clients again, and they’re better able to do that, they ALWAYS talk about what a huge difference that has made in their ability to feel happier and calmer throughout the day.
Conversations like that are always a nice reminder of Ms. T’s wise words back in high school.
Seeing clearer all the time,
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
by Rebekka | Sep 11, 2013 | Uncategorized
So often, when a ‘goal’ is incredibly far away, we can get bogged down with the waiting and feel like until we reach that place, we just have deal with feeling miserable.
But if we think about it a minute, it’s simply not true. We can have fun, and enjoy a day or even just a moment in the meantime, and when we do, it is really helpful to catch ourselves doing it.
Like that drive home when you were singing the lyrics to that song that was playing, or like that walk you took, where you ran into the cutest puppy you’d ever seen and played with it for a minute. Like that comedy you went and saw with your best friend, where you laughed so hard you snorted.
Those little moments that make you feel better for just a little bit are important. You may not be able to cause a miracle today, and reach that destination that is so far away, but you might find a way to enjoy the ride to it just a little bit more.
Notice it
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
@LGBT_Counselor on Twitter
