by Rebekka | Sep 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
When you and your loved one’s are not getting along so well, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to pull out a blueprint for how to get things back on track?
I mean, we all know each other’s buttons right? The folks you love MOST in this world all know exactly what to do that sends you flying off the handle. They have THAT blueprint ready at a moment’s notice, yeah? Well I’m gonna tell you how you can have the opposite blueprint ready too.
Ready for the secret to that?
1. Begin a daily habit of noticing & telling each other every single time things are done that you like & appreciate, & then telling each other why you like and appreciated it.
2. Remember what they tell you cause THAT is your blueprint.
It sounds simple, but it is absolutely effective.
A couple of weeks ago, my fiancee told me that when I get home, she loves it when I immediately give her a kiss on the cheek. To her, that little kiss says “Hi, I love you, & I’m glad to be home with you.” Even if I’m on the phone when I give it to her, (which I frequently am.)
So now, no matter what kind of day we’ve both had, or how much I still have to do when I get home, I have a tiny little piece of ammo ready every single day, that is sure to help us both be in a better place with each other. And I only have it, because she told me what it means to her.
So go…share the good stuff, tell your loved one’s what they do well to feed your relationship, and ask them for that info too.
Then you’ll have your blueprint, ready for even the toughest road ahead.
No hardhat needed,
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Jun 5, 2013 | Uncategorized
Sometimes, in the process of self-discovery, folks in the LGBT community make realizations about their lives that require some painful honesty with the people that they love most. I frequently have conversations in my counseling office with individuals who are carefully navigating their steps towards a preferred future that they know will be incredibly difficult for some of the closest people in their lives. For instance, when someone in a heterosexual relationship can no longer deny that they are gay, or when someone in a long term relationship of any kind, can no longer deny that they are trans.
Whenever someone comes into my office at the tipping point this kind of difficult realization, I think that the best, most respectful place for me to be, is behind them, asking questions directed at the destination they are working towards. Why do I do that? Well…this quote sums it up best, I think:
“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I firmly believe that imagining the details of your destination is crucial when you’re looking to gain the courage to take the next small step towards it, especially when those steps involve saying or doing difficult things to the one’s you love most.
So I don’t give a lot of advice, or shine a light on a difficult step pointing out how hard it will be to take. Instead I choose to stand behind you, out of your way, and shine a light on the destination, knowing that because that truly is where you yearn to go, you will have no choice but to continue moving towards it.
Bon Voyage,
Rebekka
by Rebekka | Mar 22, 2013 | Uncategorized
Recently, my girlfriend and I have had a lot of fun together, and I made a conscience effort to recognize it, talk about it with her, and answer a few questions around it, in hopes that we can recreate it in the tougher times we’re certain to encounter moving forward. (I mean, life is life, right? Things are just tough sometimes..)
And it all got me thinking…
Every now and then, no matter whether things are going great or not-so-great, it is incredibly useful to think about what is going well in your life…in the moment. Now to do this effectively..without going back any further than say, the last two weeks for data, ask yourself these questions:
What things or happenings are you pleased with, right now? (try for at least 3…)
How are you contributing to it going so well? (4 things you’re doing…)
Who else has a part in what’s going well, and how are they contributing to it? (3 contributions per person…)
Do they know how you feel about it/that they are contributing to something good for you?
What difference might it make if they did know?
What might they say you’re doing to contribute to these good things?
What might you do to continue this in the coming days/weeks?
Then..when you’ve answered all of those questions, notice the snowball effect it might have on those good things in your life.
Making snowballs in the spring,
Rebekka
