by Rebekka | Oct 16, 2013 | Uncategorized
So, here is the last tip for the LGBT community, regarding the upcoming holidays. If you’ve followed the previous 3 tips, then you’ve now got an idea of how you would like things to be, you’ve recognized what’s going well and how you will notice things getting better, and you’ve communicated your hopes to family members whom you trust.
Now, if you’re still finding some difficulty my last piece of advice around the holidays is this:
4. If you are forced into a tough decision, make it consciously and openly:
Sometimes for very valid reasons, you are just going to have to make a tough choice. The choice might be whether to spend the holidays with your family of origin or your spouse/chosen family. It might be whether to bring your spouse to the holidays as your ‘roommate’ or as your significant other. Or maybe whether to play it straight, or finally come out.
So, my advice here is simple: If you do end up in a situation where you are forced to make a tough choice, make it consciously, and then be honest with yourself about it.
Take the pressure off of yourself by recognizing that it doesn’t always have to be the same every year, and remember to talk with your spouse about it, and if possible, also talk with your family.
As always, feel free to comment here or email me at the address below.
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@dallasrainbowcounseling.com
@LGBT_Counselor
https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling
by Rebekka | Oct 11, 2013 | Uncategorized
Alright, so this is the 2nd to the last tip for the upcoming holiday season for my LGBT family. Tip #1 was about detailing your very best hopes for the season ahead, & tip #2 was about recognizing both past and current progress. So, once you’ve done those things here’s the next step you can take.
Tip #3. Communicate Your Hopes:
Going back to that same couple I worked with last year, after they shared their combined vision of their preferred future, and recognized that they are already taking some steps toward it, I asked them what they thought the next small step might be. Both of them agreed that they wanted to communicate their vision for what they hoped would be different this holiday season, with other trusted members of their family. They surmised together, that to have the best chance of moving forward, they should share these hopes in an open and honest way.
So, if you have even a little bit of hope that some of your family members might work with you around this issue, than your job becomes to communicate to them what you’d like to have happen instead of what’s currently happening. If you can do so in an open, honest and positive way, you might gain some allies, that can help as you continue moving towards that future together.
Here’s to those who work well with others.
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
by Rebekka | Oct 9, 2013 | Uncategorized
Alright, as promised, here is tip #2 in the continuing series for the the LGBT community regarding the holiday season that is fast approaching.
Tip #1 was about creating a detailed picture of how you hope the holidays will look, both for the purpose of getting on the same page with your spouse, (if applicable), as well as creating a clear destination to measure forward movement.
So, moving in order, once you’ve done that first step, next I would advise you do this:
2. Recognize Past, & Current Progress:
As I was talking with that couple last year, I asked them to put things on a scale of 0-10, where 10 = the picture we’d just spent most of the session creating.
Well, to my surprise, they said, even with the current difficulties, they’d put things at about a 4. I immediately asked them what was happening that was contributing to things being at a 4, rather than a 3 or lower, & the answer came quickly and confidently. They told me that the mother of the family they were concerned about, had gradually moved from an unaccepting and judgmental place where she wouldn’t even acknowledge her son’s spouse, to a place of complete acceptance. Over the last few years she started to hug her son’s spouse when they saw each other, and they even started to talk on the phone regularly, just as she might with her other son-in-law. It was a complete turnaround from where it started a few years before.
With some purposeful questions on my part, this couple was then able to pull some useful information from that story about what they did to contribute to this success, and it helped them make an action plan for helping other family members move a bit closer to acceptance as well.
So remember: Recognize progress, because at the very least you will be able to realize that some things have gotten better, and you might even be able to develop a plan for continuing in that direction by repeating what’s worked already.
Tip #3 on Friday, until then, give some credit where it’s due.
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
@LGBT_Counselor on Twitter
& on FB: https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling
