Family Vs. “Family”: Tip #1 for the Upcoming Holidays

by | Oct 7, 2013 | Uncategorized

As the “Family” counselor in Dallas, and as someone who is a native and openly gay Texan, I am completely aware that for individuals, couples & families in the LGBT community, the holidays can bring about a unique kind of stress.  A stress around who your family wishes you were (and in some cases thinks that you are) and who you really are. 

This stress can bring up a lot of conflict, both with your family of origin and your family of choice.  Over the last two and a half years, I’ve had a significant number of people in this community come into my office trying to work out this very conundrum. I’ve taken that experience and combined it with some personal experiences of my own, to develop a few simple tips for you to try over the holiday season. 

These tips will each get their own blogpost over the coming days. I hope they’re helpful for you, and if you have any questions, input or comments, feel free to comment here or email me at Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com 

Tip 1. Know exactly what you want:

I had a couple in my office last November, and one of them was feeling hurt by his spouse’s family never inviting him to family holiday events.  It was clear to both of them that the reason he was never included was because the family didn’t approve of their relationship, and didn’t accept them as they accepted the straight couples in the family. 

The first question I asked both of them before we went anywhere else was this:

“What would you like to have happen instead?”

 

And then I got as many details about their preferred future as I could. The reason that I asked that question first, is because whether or not their family will EVER look and act as accepting as they might hope, it was extremely important to know exactly how they envisioned a happy holiday season as a couple. Getting these details gave us a clear destination that we could then measure movement towards as we moved forward. 

So, if you are feeling a bit anxious about the pending holidays, the very first thing that I would advise both you and your partner to do, is clarify for yourselves what your vision of a happy holiday season would be, so that you are both aware of exactly what you want, and on the same page with it.

Tip #2 coming your way on Wednesday the 9th.

Getting into the spirit already,

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com 

The Solution Blueprint

by | Sep 23, 2013 | Uncategorized

When you and your loved one’s are not getting along so well, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to pull out a blueprint for how to get things back on track? 

I mean, we all know each other’s buttons right? The folks you love MOST in this world all know exactly what to do that sends you flying off the handle. They have THAT blueprint ready at a moment’s notice, yeah? Well I’m gonna tell you how you can have the opposite blueprint ready too. 

Ready for the secret to that? 

1. Begin a daily habit of noticing & telling each other every single time things are done that you like & appreciate, & then telling each other why you like and appreciated it. 

2. Remember what they tell you cause THAT is your blueprint.

It sounds simple, but it is absolutely effective.

A couple of weeks ago, my fiancee told me that when I get home, she loves it when I immediately give her a kiss on the cheek. To her, that little kiss says “Hi, I love you, & I’m glad to be home with you.” Even if I’m on the phone when I give it to her, (which I frequently am.)

So now, no matter what kind of day we’ve both had, or how much I still have to do when I get home, I have a tiny little piece of ammo ready every single day, that is sure to help us both be in a better place with each other. And I only have it, because she told me what it means to her. 

So go…share the good stuff, tell your loved one’s what they do well to feed your relationship, and ask them for that info too. 

Then you’ll have your blueprint, ready for even the toughest road ahead. 

No hardhat needed, 

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com

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