by Rebekka | Sep 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
When you and your loved one’s are not getting along so well, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to pull out a blueprint for how to get things back on track?
I mean, we all know each other’s buttons right? The folks you love MOST in this world all know exactly what to do that sends you flying off the handle. They have THAT blueprint ready at a moment’s notice, yeah? Well I’m gonna tell you how you can have the opposite blueprint ready too.
Ready for the secret to that?
1. Begin a daily habit of noticing & telling each other every single time things are done that you like & appreciate, & then telling each other why you like and appreciated it.
2. Remember what they tell you cause THAT is your blueprint.
It sounds simple, but it is absolutely effective.
A couple of weeks ago, my fiancee told me that when I get home, she loves it when I immediately give her a kiss on the cheek. To her, that little kiss says “Hi, I love you, & I’m glad to be home with you.” Even if I’m on the phone when I give it to her, (which I frequently am.)
So now, no matter what kind of day we’ve both had, or how much I still have to do when I get home, I have a tiny little piece of ammo ready every single day, that is sure to help us both be in a better place with each other. And I only have it, because she told me what it means to her.
So go…share the good stuff, tell your loved one’s what they do well to feed your relationship, and ask them for that info too.
Then you’ll have your blueprint, ready for even the toughest road ahead.
No hardhat needed,
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Sep 13, 2013 | Uncategorized
Which 5 living beings know you best? I say living beings, because I mean for you to consider your pets as well, if you think they are candidates.
So, think for a minute about the one that knows you best in this world, and then decide on the next few as well.
I wonder, if you were to ask them a couple of simple questions, what you might learn about how they see you, and what they notice about you. I wonder if some of the answers might surprise you.
Here are a few questions to try, the next time you’re hanging out with them: (If you enjoy this sort of thing, answer these questions for them too, I think it could be both fun and full of good information)
(If you did list an animal that can’t answer, guess some of their answers, it may be just as, or even more valuable for you to do so.)
1. How do you know when I’m at my absolute best? (ask them to give you several clues they notice about you)
*Always answer with the presence of something, not the absence of something, i.e. “you’re smiling” is better than “you’re not pouting”
2. What would you say are my 6 biggest strengths?
3. The last time I was going through a tough time, what did you notice me say or do that gave you some clues that I was dealing with it ok, and eventually coming out of it?
4. When you’re going through a tough time, what are some things that I do that really help, even just a little bit?
5. When you’re at your best, what do I do to contribute to that, and help keep it around longer?
OK, I know that this might seem really self serving, but if you also answer it for them, it can really be a beneficial exercise in learning some things to look out for in the future to help build solutions and stay at your best longer.
If you do this exercise, please give me some feedback about it, and if you think of any questions to add, shoot me an email or comment below.
Happy Mining,
Rebekka Ouer, LCSW
@LGBT_Counselor on Twitter
Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com
by Rebekka | Jul 31, 2013 | Uncategorized
Think about your current biggest problem, whether it’s something specific to you, your career, your family, your relationship…whatever it is that’s nagging at you most.
Now, make a list of 30-50 signs that this problem was solved in a way that is right for you. This list must be the PRESENCE of something, not the absence of something, for example, ‘I will feel happier’ is acceptable, I won’t be crying as much, is not acceptable.
When you feel stuck, look at some of the things you’ve already listed, like “I will feel happier” and list some signs that would confirm that you are feeling happier, get specific with it.
Then watch out for those signs to start becoming a reality, kinda like checkin’ off your grocery list.
Detailing your life, bit by bit…
Rebekka
PS:
If you are in a relationship, and you want to check out a little book with activities in it a lot like this, click this link: http://elliottspeaks.com/products/books/
by Rebekka | Jul 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
The difference between a fight, and a constructive conversation, all lies in where you choose to focus.
For example, I had a couple in my office recently, and the conversation between them quickly turned argumentative with one accusing the other of ‘always being disrespectful about my family’.
Before they could spiral downward I asked one quick question, and the conversation turned on its heels from an accusatory, frustrating argument, to a solution focused and complimentary discussion.
I asked this: “If both of you were able to be at your absolute best the next time this topic of family comes up, how might the conversation look different?”
And together, we made a list of close to 40 things they would notice about that conversation including things like being patient, listening, being respectful, and even walking away for a minute if it got heated. When they left that appointment they were both smiling, laughing and planning a fun night out together.
From problem talk to solution talk, in 1.3 seconds.
Rebekka
by Rebekka | Jul 22, 2013 | Uncategorized
Think for a minute about the last time you got into a heated argument with someone you care about.
Now answer this 2 part question:
If you now, knowing what you know about how that day and event unfolded, were to find yourself and your loved one heading in that exact direction again, what might you do differently & how might that make a difference in the way things happened?
I imagine that your honest and well thought out answer to that question has a much bigger chance of actually working, than ANY piece of advice anyone could give you would.
Here’s to next time’s success,
Rebekka
Questions? Call me, email me, or set up an appointment by going to
DallasRainbowCounseling.com
